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Church leaders must not only have their marriages right, but also have their households - and specifically their children - under control. An overseer (elder), Paul says to Timothy, "must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect" (1 Timothy 3:4). Writing to Titus he puts it this way: "An elder must be… a man whose children believe and are not open to the charge of being wild and disobedient" (Titus 1:6).
Paul's reason for insisting that candidates for eldership have well managed homes is simple. No one is fit to be an overseer in God's household, he says, if he has not first proven himself able to rule his own family (1 Timothy 3:5). John Stott puts it this way: "Paul draws an analogy between the pastor's family and God's church… The married pastor is called to leadership in two families, his and God's, and the former is to be the training ground for the latter. The argument is straightforward. If he cannot look after his own family, he cannot be expected to look after God's" (p. 98).
In Paul's mind a well managed home seems to involve two things. The first is control or discipline. Children in such a home must obey their parents with proper respect and not be open to the charge of being "wild or disobedient (incorrigible)." Proven ability in this aspect of family life is essential for an elder, for, as John Stott rightly says, "One cannot expect discipline in the local church if pastors have not learned to exercise it in their home" (p. 98).
Secondly, a well managed home is characterized by instruction and training in the Christian faith. An elder is to have "believing children." Again, Stott says, the logic behind this requirement is simple: "presbyter-bishops can hardly be expected to win strangers to Christ if they have failed to win those who are most exposed to their influence, their own children." p. 176.
That is not to say, of course, that parents are able to regenerate their children and guarantee their salvation just by instruction. To be saved, children must be born of the Spirit as well as the flesh (John 1:12; 3:6). Many Christian parents experience acute pain in seeing loved (and well-taught!) children go astray in faith and morals when they move away from the home. And for this they cannot be held automatically responsible. Nevertheless during the years when children are under their authority, and are pliable and teachable, parents must instruct them in the ways of the Lord. And where this has evidently been neglected, it naturally disqualifies a person from a shepherding and teaching role in the life of the church.
One practical consequence of these requirements is the importance of investigating the home life of candidates for eldership or pastoral leadership. It is not enough to consider educational achievements, nor even personal character and moral standing. Home-life needs to be investigated as well. Here, better than anywhere, a person's suitability to lead the household of God is revealed. Does a man have a stable, settled marriage? Are his children respectful and obedient? Are they well instructed and believing? Failure here surely disqualifies a man from acting as an overseer of God's household.
Yet, as Stott observes, this aspect is often overlooked when people are being considered for leadership roles. "One often hears of instances in which the candidate's wife and children are not included in the interview or even in the enquiry," he writes (p. 98). Managing a household is not easy. Who claims to do it perfectly? Yet, there must be evidences of proven ability here before men can be appointed to lead in the church.